i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
