I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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