Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
