tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My ass is underappreciated
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize