She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
