Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
