just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
