best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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