There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
