So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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