rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
