my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my shit smells like andre
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
