Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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