Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize