I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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