Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
