I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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