Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
