Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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