I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
