I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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