just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
