I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
