I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
