Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
