Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
