So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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