in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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