That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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