News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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