he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
