Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
