something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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