he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
