Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
