Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
