I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
