I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
