My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
