So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
