last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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