I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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