did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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