everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Randomize
