wakey wakey hands off snakey
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
