Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
there is glitter all over my balls
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
