Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
