Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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