the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
