??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
