I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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