If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
