What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
