omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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