Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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