I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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