i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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