Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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