He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
