He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Im part way to drunk.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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