how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
