oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
