Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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