Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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