in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You have to summon your inner elephant
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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