I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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