I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize